Hope

Last week we talked pregnancy loss.

This week… pregnancy after a miscarriage.

To be honest, this topic feels daunting. I am blessed to have only experienced that heartbreak once. You women/families that have dealt with numerous losses have a different story to tell. I pray that you find resources or a voice that provides you comfort. 💗

As you know, we had a miscarriage. We were told the chances of this occurring again were low, which was a relief but not a guarantee. Now that I had tasted the hearbreak that could come from a failed pregnancy, I was tentative to enter that arena again.

Brandon and I talked. I knew I needed some time to mentally/emotionally recover from that loss. I also wanted to build up some reserve in case it happened again. I needed to concentrate on feeling strong and enjoying other things.

As I came out of that fog, one of the first new things I tried was becoming a Rodan and Fields consultant. I had ordered products while pregnant because I could not keep using my derm prescribed acne meds. It was a good distraction and kept me busy. I dove in and had fun. #thisisnotanad #thisismylife

To be honest, my memories of the rest of that ‘waiting to try again time’ are vague. I do remember having a plan to start working out prior to getting pregnant because I wanted to feel strong again. In anyway that I could. #buildingmyselfafortress

Once I felt ready to try another pregnancy, I still struggled with irregular ovulation. I went back on birth control for 2 months, then quit it, hoping this would kickstart ovulation in a somewhat predictable pattern.

It worked. We soon found ourselves pregnant again and we were excited. But for the first time, there was a cloud over me. Over this new pregnancy.

I was terrified of losing another dream. Of believing that a sweet little bundle would be joining us, only to have him/her never arrive.

I found myself back on the rollercoaster. Excited. Terrifed. Happy. Scared. The joy and anticipation I had experienced with my first 2 pregnancies alluded me. I was simultaneously praising God for this second chance and begging Him to let this pregnancy come to fruition. Just plain scared. I feel a little nauseous just thinking about it. 😢🙏

If you know me well, you know I am not one to sit in silence. Besides voicing my feelings, my mood can fill a room pretty quickly. The rollercoaster impacted us all.

At some point, I decided that hope was what I needed to cling to. Sure, the fear was still there. But regardless of whether I allowed myself to be happy or continued to cycle moods, I knew a pregnancy loss would again crush me. So why was I not choosing joy when I could? Doubts still occurred and the outcome would not be clear until baby arrived, but continuing to think of the negative possibilities did nothing but make me feel bad NOW. When I was growing a new, different baby.

So. If you are brave enough to try again. If you are blessed enough to grow a baby. I believe you should reach for hope. Give that fear back to the Universe or hand it over to God. Pray. Laugh. Smile.

You have been through enough. Choose hope.

Unfortunately, I cannot ensure a happy ending. But joy and hope are never useless emotions. Share your joy with those close to you. Share your pain as well. We are meant to live in communities, my dears. Let us lift one another up in times of sorrow and in times of triumph. But to do that, you have to let them in.

With love,

B

P.S. And you (expecting mama) are one tough cookie. You can do this. And those who love that mama – hold her and laugh with her and celebrate with her. She needs her people. She needs you!

P.P.S. I carried fear throughout my entire pregnancy, until Rory was in my arms. It never fully went away, but praying and trying to keep a positive mindset helped me. 🌈 #rainbowbaby

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